I am hurting...

I'm hurting today...my past and my present is hurting me again..

But I shall not let this moment come to pass without teaching me
a lesson...or a revelation.

pause.

Tears filled my heart last night as the pain is trying to crush me down...

Look at me.
I am focusing on "myself" again..
What shall this moment make of me?

I say, NOTHING BUT DEPRESSION. AND FRUSTRATIONS..

It's true ,
when you think so much of the "I", "myself", "my pains", "my heartbreaks"
it doesn't give you anything but PAIN. There's so much darkness in it.

Right now, as I feel all these in me. Let me share with you the video
I created for Jesus few months back. Watching this eases my pain..because
in here I am reminded of Jesus taking all my pains and burdens when He was crucified
2000 years ago..
Stay on for the last part where I have used The Passion of Christ photos.
It's my most fave part.

As I live...

Pains of all sorts,heartaches,headaches, bodyaches can attack me anytime.
Any day..any moment..

I have no idea where it really come from...
whether it's just my mind,
my thoughts..
my emotions..
my surroundings..

It's weird.

It's getting in my system and makes me wonder why it keeps on coming back.


As I'm typing this, slowly it's breaking me apart...


Sometimes it gets so sickening that I just wana throw up.


Yeah..I'm just keeping a grip on things.

Bearing all these questions ...How long shall I remain this way?

How long shall my pain strike me? Will this never end?

I wana be FREE from all these!

Pause...

Funny how external events can cover up and put a mask on how
I truly feel.

Pathetic huh?

..Somehow..

It's not a question of "where's-the-next-party?" so I can be free
from all these bad emotions and thoughts that keep hanging on
my mind...

Maybe forget about it for awhile till I get
to my "fun" senses back again.


It's not planning where to go next...what to do..
what pills to take or which book to read.


It's a question of "Whom to go to?"

..I'm thankful.

That Jesus has got me..just seeing the CROSS keeps me shut up.
Far from above it all it's not really my heartaches that really
matter in this world anymore...it's Him.




Yeah.. it's just Him.


At thie moment, eventhough I don't feel much of His presence
because I am way too overwhelmed by my pains,heartaches,
sadness,confusions and depression right now..

I know He is there.

He will always be there...for me.

I can keep on shedding tears. Feel and let my confusions go and be that way till the sun goes down.

.. inspite of it all..He is with me..

I believe so.





My assurance?

It's the C R O S S..

Am I crazy? Be it that way.

Let's see where this "craziness" would take me..

I'll just keep resting on Him...

...this time it's FOREVER.

Emotionally tortured..

It's been days now that I have suffered and been tortured emotionally.

I cannot go on and live like this. It's sickening and I know God doesn't
want me to live this way.

For several times, I tried , on my own effort,to come and understand
the whole situation, be a friend to the person and all, deal the situation
normally, accept that it happened, forget the past..move on!

But I failed.

I can only feel so much pain, anger and madness deep within me.

Being cheated on really sucks big time!

I thought of my pride, my ego, much more to "my self" all the time!
Yeah, Am I getting too selfish?

Maybe I am.

And it really sucks the spirit out of you..

I tried with all my might and power to be sane, understanding
and be forgiving...

...but I cannot.

Now, I live it all to God.

So, now...I come to take my "Getaway box"...

I put in my "Getaway Box" that person and all the feelings, bad and evil thoughts,
remorse, hatred, deception,madness and our memories in it.

(Deep sigh)



There you go!

No need to take pills. Just a little creativity with God will do. Lolx!

I now bind this whole situation to go and be cast out unto the sea, setting me free!
This will be over soon! No, I mean RIGHT NOW as I'm typing this!
I pray, in J E S U S name!
AMEN!