No matter

how difficult my situation right now..I could only look unto God.

It's just awesome when I am in this state...I'd still want Him..longed for His words and just be with Him.

Is it this called the "VICTORY" of life? I don't know yet.

Yes, my mama is back again in the hospital. My bill is up to 49k excluding the would-be maintaining meds that would soon occur. My mama is now stuck in the hospital. My friends could only shake their heads.

I predict, it would be like this for the rest of the week, or even months or year..It will never stop...

So what I shall do?

Have self-pity, mourn and stress myself out to death? Will it benefit me if I stay this way in the first place?

Shall I blame and scold God again for letting these things happen to me?
Curse HIm?
Runaway?
Become an atheist?

I don't think so.
I may feel a bit shaken...
...sometimes I feel my heart stopped from beating..
my feet goes numb..my thoughts go blank..BUT...

It cannot stay long. It won't stay long! In Jesus name!

BECAUSE...God loves me..and once I start to feel that amazing love deep within me..
I am on the right track...:)

Do I feel stupid in believing this way?
Then, let me ask you.. Who would you want to believe?

"When we run into a test or trial in our own lives,

we need to remember to speak faith-filled words --- words filled with God-kind of faith.
"I refuse to fear! God has already redeemed me from the hand of the enemy! Satan's defense has departed from him. If I'll just trust God, I can possess my promised land!"

Think back to the times when the Lord answered your prayers and delivered you out of trying times and difficult circumstances. Get your mind renewed to God's goodness and great power. Remember the God who is more than enough to meet your every need!"

Source: Speak To Your Mountain
By Kenneth hagin Jr.

My mama...

was rushed to the hospital again yesterday morning.
She coughed out blood .
She had 4 packs of blood transfusion today.

What to do?

Stop right there.

I think I have been asking the wrong question.
It's not "what to do" ...it's how to feel and what to believe.

Worldly part of me is deeply shaken..Yes, of course I panicked.
It's my mom and I really don't want anything bad happen to her.

For now, I have $20 in my account..
My mind is in a whirlwind where to get
money for my mama's hospitals bills again.
It sucks ha? But this is just temporary.I know.

Somehow, part of me is frustrated and in other ways have entertained the devil's thoughts saying these words to me..
"Look at you! Where's your God and Jesus?? You are so pathetic, don't you get it... There's no God and Jesus. See I have proven to you. You were better off without Him then! Look at the others, they are enjoying life with me!"

But I just replied to the devil, "What are you so anxious about little devil?
You are like a politician --you talk too much!"

Then God talked to me on this verse...Jeremiah 17:5 "Thus says the Lord: “ Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord."


Sometimes, I get used to the feeling that everytime someone in the family is sick and I ran out of cash, I seek to people who can loan me cash instantly. Then I feel better. Seems like everything is in money...
If you have the money, you are ok!
That has become a habit..


Of course, today I truly, badly need money. For my mom's presciptions and all.
I cannot just ask my cousin in Cebu to go to a pharmacy and preach about Jesus
so they will give her the meds. Lolx! I cannot imagine doing that myself. Nor Jesus would want that to happen.
Because I believe I am a child of God. And God is my refuge...my Provider --I shall not want..
My God has a big hand..and He will take care of everything..

How will He do it? I don't know. Just watch...


Yes, I feel I am in the last burst of fire that the devil is playing on me right now.
In a movie, it's the climax part.

I know...It's not going to be easy...but with Jesus..I can surely stand on solid ground with all these. Every storm in my life shall come before me, but all I can
say is that..they are beneath me. and I am standing atop of them..
They may can shake me a bit, here and there, but I shall never fall!
Because Jesus has me. And I believe Him because of what He did to the calvary..
He died for me. If that revelation wouldn't move me at all..you can just flush me out somewhere.

Lastly.
There's this traditional church adage that goes,
"God helps those who help themselves.."

But it's not in the Bible eh?

Yes, with all my might I always tried helping myself , on my works, in my own efforts
and confidence... but I failed.It has become a catch24 which I wasn't so impressed of.
I felt I don't deserved to be leaving that way.

Then one day, I just got tired of it all and gave up..turned everything to God
and here I am.
With all these storms rocking my brains out, all the odds against me, the challenges and financial setbacks,I still praise my God because my victory is in Him!

Jesus has done my fight when He said "It is finished!"

Period.

My Past Blogs...

I just found these notes in my phone and I have decided to fit it here in my blog...
One by one, I will go through all these and will post God's answers to me thru a book I just bought "Speak To Your Mountain" by Kenneth Hagin.
The books says everything about me, how I feel about God when in times of trouble and all.
It's a good book and I am going to share it with you as we go along.

Here's one of my past blogs.

Dated: November 17,2007
On the 8th of November, my sister has joined my father in heaven.Just a month long gap and it happened.
It took me quite a few days to burn on my thoughts and get back to my senses. Suddenly , my world has collapsed..
Wish I had called and talked to my sister while she was still in the hospital and where she was still able to talk...Wish I prayed long enough...and hard enough.

I know, deep in my heart and soul blaming God and even just questioning Him for all these won't change a thing.
For some time, accepting this fate in a spiritual manner has given me enough courage to stay on..
just move on.and never look back.

It's beyond my undertstanding to comprehend.

As I am writing this, I am trying to draw air out of my room
which seemed to have plenty just a few minutes ago and now seems to have none.

There has never been any pain like this pain, not that I can remember..

It's like drilling an infinite whole inside of me.

The pain has swallowed me as the whale reputedly swallowed Jonah,that holy draft-dodger.

It throbs like a poison sun glowing deep down in the middle of me, in a place where until tonight there is only the quiet sense of a new thing growing...

For a time, death continues to appalled me.
Is there really life after death?
Will the dead have a new body free of pain, boredom and sickness in heaven?
Are they--my loved ones are meant to be where they are right now?

It's going to be a series of questioning.lots of immature questioning..

I know..

A Physical Therapist Fractured My Mom!

For all of my dear friends who have been asking on my mom's condition lately,
here's a short video I created...

A Prayer for all of us...

For years...I have been questioning God why these things are happening to me...

Now... I have come to a final stop...and question myself instead.